When you realize the meaning of it, at least, in part
There can be such an absence in your heart at first
It feels like a stiff punch to the gut
The barriers you have built around love
Within what you thought was loving
The guilt you feel for loving people in a way that was harming
The guilt you feel for acting in so many self-serving ways under the guise of "love"
The pain you feel for realizing it isn't the construct or ideals you held of it
It is all a painful process to illuminating what real Love means
Because you are breaking down all the dark and deep barriers
You yourself built around it in this human form
You are cutting open all the wounds you created in love
Because they are so old they have grown infected
And the loving you find, isn't even in nurturing them, but just realizing they exist
Accepting that you have done this much damage in your life to yourself and others
And loving yourself through it
It is the ultimate paradox
Because to completely love you have to be free of all desire, and the desire to love as you've known it
And to realize, real love has nothing to do with the external world
It has nothing to do with right and wrong
It is a state of being
When you recognize it, the magnitude at which it shakes your entire existence apart
Is monumental...You feel everything throughout all of time, that you have done
In the name of what you thought was loving
And not just in this one existence if you are tuned into a "higher consciousness"
Which that phrase "higher consciousness" I must say is laughable and makes me feel
Like the biggest of fools to use, because there are no stages. Either you get it or you don't.
And when you do get it, in those moments. It can be so beautiful, but it can feel so indifferent
then coming back into your body, and trying to allow for that
To let it translate. It takes so much Faith and in that Faith, there is the real Love
But as you get there, I have found, it is hard to maintain, hard to stay balanced
So you have to let go of the desire for that too
I can be a heavy emotional burden to realize how separate you have been from that Knowing for so long
It can be such a heavy heavy burden as you separate from that knowing
But the paradox is that the separating from that burden and separating from knowing are very much the same
Because it is a burden, that, to get to the real Truth of love, you have to just drop
You have to not add it to your Present, You have to just exist, just BE
To stay in that state of Being IS the real knowing, but there is so much that can draw us from that and
It would be so brilliant to just say "I'm letting this go" and have it just POOF dissapear, but
To just let all of it go doesn't (at least for me) happen all at once
It's like a slow drain out, like being bled. Every time you summit you get a little closer to "understanding"
Every time you come down from that summit, you are a little more confused
Every time you come down, you now are facing a deeper burden which you must choose to drop
If you ever want to get back to that summit again
A burden you have to just accept
A burden you have to embrace and love
You feel as weak as a newborn babe. Truly broken in this human world.
Broken to pieces, everything you know has been illusory
Especially in the pursuit of love, spirituality, joy, friendship, healing
HA HEALING. Bless all of the broken healers, I swear
If there was ever a deep pain in this existence it is to be sent here purposed and knowing you are a "healer"
Because you soon realize that in going out to seek to heal others,
You really are just shooting yourself in the foot, and doing the exact opposite of what is on your healer's path
Because it is unnecessary and impossible to heal in the way you have been lead to believe it is done
Everything you have known, you realize you have never known
Everything you have done in good intent, comes back to laugh at you
You realize you will never know the "right" way
Because the "right" way does not exist
And all the answers are in that, but all the human ego that makes that answer haunting
Can be devastating
Awakening to Truth and Love and the Higher Self...
If anyone tells you that is a carefree process
You should really never speak to them again
Joking! But, it has definitely not been carefree for me,
and I don't know a single soul who has experienced it without bumping into all the
crisis and paradox of having to live in this world and experience and feel
while realizing that this world as you know it has been just that and nothing more, an experience
All happening at one time, no history, no pasts, no reality, no you, no love, no war...there is just You.
And if you get that, it has, I guarantee not been an easy road to that realization
To separate from this being you think you are enough to see the bigger picture, while knowing you can't ever see it
Faith, real faith...not the motivational poster kind of Faith
To drop everything you identify with, to live a life that is empty of identity so that your life has Purpose
To drop all desires, everything your very human being begs for, in order to receive everything your True self knows it right for you
The process is hard as *uck at times.
At least that's been my experience
But when you look at the process and you SEE
When you SEE in Truth, those few blissful moments you get
Like a little glimmer along that way, like a little cosmic pat on the back, like an ice cream sundae after passing the big test, all the while realizing the test is one you created and so is the reward HAHAHA!!!
Wow, those little moments make it all make absolute sense and then again
Those little moments make you realize that nothing makes sense nor does it need to
If you're following this so far, or if you're not, you are on your way
When I began learning what real Love is
My entire world was turned upside down
And I began learning the day I was born into this earth
BUT I became aware I was learning a few years ago
The moment I realized everything I knew was absolutely nothing
The moment I realized that this world was not the only...
AND I began realizing that all this time I wasn't learning
I began to realize that a few weeks ago
Because it cannot be learned!
It just requires so much shedding of the old self
So much shedding of old beliefs
Letting go of so much past pain
Which in actuality doesn't even exist.
It ISN'T REAL
But in learning to let go of all the things you knew as bad and painful to be just an illusion
you have to let go of all the things you learned as being good and pleasurable as just an illusion
I find I still have no idea what that state of being Truly means
Because there are things I still hold tightly to, that to let go of are...just hard
But I am ripping off the bandages and examining my wounds
Observing it and trying so hard, not to try anymore
What Love, real Love really means
I am getting there, and the bliss I feel when I am shattered and broken
And on my knees, crying my damn eyes out, that I have no idea who I am or why I am here
THAT BLISS is one, that only those going through this "awakening"
Sometimes it is more funny and more blissful than others
Sometimes it is more frustrating and indifferent and uninspiring than other
Today I just feel it all like a deep ache
But I am writing this, for one, because I need to get it out on paper
So I can see it
And two as a reminder, to just keep going
And three as a reminder, that although it doesn't feel like it
I'm almost there
We're almost there.