All and Nothing,
Existential Hotline,
Motivational Ramblings,
Channel Beyond the Television,
Growing Pains and Growing Pleasures-The Denial of Both,
Pure Honesty and Impure Purity,
The Meaning of Meaninglessness,
Everything You Need and Few Things you Want
There are so many things I have grown away from...I have changed...so many things I have grown so far apart from...so much I have left in the past that I can no longer relate to or understand how I ever related to...so many people I have run from, left sorrowfully, been left behind by, left angrily, blamed, hated, longed for, defensively denied...Was it a shame that up until today all that shame remained. Nah. There is no blame.
It wasn't until I fully embraced the role I played in those interactions that feel so far from my soul now that I could see the beauty of my soul now. It wasn't until I loved the me of the past and all the masks I held, and all the dishonor I showed my own being, that I could truly forgive all the version of me I brought to my reality.
I had to take responsibility for all that I allowed my being to experience and I did it now by realizing that I did it then with complete compassion for the me that sits here today a lot different and much more genuinely happy. I wasn't aware then, but I am now.
I couldn't really let Them be past until I realized They were just that...and realized that this....is Present....and they will never be the same again.
It has always been me looking for the me that is here Now and although I appear different...I haven't changed one bit, I just learned how to See what is. I see that it is safe to allow myself to love me, because I have learned (up until this point) what I needed to learn from running from, leaving, hating, dishonoring, defensively denying and longing for myself. OOoooo so thankful to be sitting here smiling with Me after all we've put each other through. There is no deeper relationship than this one.
And with so so much love, compassion, forgiveness and gratitude:
I now give full release to all of those other beings who came here to play the roles and hide behind the masks that I needed to witness to See. I set free those who came here for me, and played, the enemy. I love greatest, those disguised as the enemy. I open myself up to Pure Love.
I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Thank you... Hawaiin ho'oponopono meditation is something I listened to many years ago...and now I finally understand it wholly and feel the healing it brings. So beautiful and freeing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhvbNutC47k https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybtW2VrmwJs
Ever tried turning your favorite love song to a love song between you and You? Remember, putting you first IS a blessing and an act of love to all. Selfishness is not the same as putting your Self and your self love and healing first... I find this one to be so healing. Meditate on self love with a song you would send a lover or partner and recognize all the ways that love IS the Same. In this way, you learn to love yourself more wholly and you know fully the gift you are giving. You then have that gift to give, unconditionally.
I am led to believe
That our world's "mentally ill" and "insane"
Are just the Healers, who stumbled on the path to Healing
The Teachers, who stumbled on the the path to Truth
Those of Good Intent, who stumbled into the Comfort of Indifference
In the search for Purpose, they, the ones who saw the riddle
But didn't find the humor or the joy in it, nor the Meaning
Nor the Comfort of Meaninglessness
The Sane, who stumbled on Insanity and couldn't find the Way
Who couldn't find Home in this world And so they stayed mad at a mad world, of their Creation.
So exiled from themselves, in judgement
That the mad world
Did the only thing it could: exile and judge.
And so the label came,
Chasing that Rabbit, and fear showed at their
Own Doorstep
To carry them away
And they remain imprisoned inside of their own cages
Holding the key to Freedom, and feeling so much pain at it's Sight
The funny thing about Love is
When you realize the meaning of it, at least, in part
There can be such an absence in your heart at first
It feels like a stiff punch to the gut
The barriers you have built around love
Within what you thought was loving
The guilt you feel for loving people in a way that was harming
The guilt you feel for acting in so many self-serving ways under the guise of "love"
The pain you feel for realizing it isn't the construct or ideals you held of it
It is all a painful process to illuminating what real Love means
Because you are breaking down all the dark and deep barriers
You yourself built around it in this human form
You are cutting open all the wounds you created in love
Because they are so old they have grown infected
And the loving you find, isn't even in nurturing them, but just realizing they exist
Accepting that you have done this much damage in your life to yourself and others
And loving yourself through it
It is the ultimate paradox
Because to completely love you have to be free of all desire, and the desire to love as you've known it
And to realize, real love has nothing to do with the external world
It has nothing to do with right and wrong
It is a state of being
When you recognize it, the magnitude at which it shakes your entire existence apart
Is monumental...You feel everything throughout all of time, that you have done
In the name of what you thought was loving
And not just in this one existence if you are tuned into a "higher consciousness"
Which that phrase "higher consciousness" I must say is laughable and makes me feel
Like the biggest of fools to use, because there are no stages. Either you get it or you don't.
And when you do get it, in those moments. It can be so beautiful, but it can feel so indifferent
then coming back into your body, and trying to allow for that
To let it translate. It takes so much Faith and in that Faith, there is the real Love
But as you get there, I have found, it is hard to maintain, hard to stay balanced
So you have to let go of the desire for that too
I can be a heavy emotional burden to realize how separate you have been from that Knowing for so long
It can be such a heavy heavy burden as you separate from that knowing
But the paradox is that the separating from that burden and separating from knowing are very much the same
Because it is a burden, that, to get to the real Truth of love, you have to just drop
You have to not add it to your Present, You have to just exist, just BE
To stay in that state of Being IS the real knowing, but there is so much that can draw us from that and
It would be so brilliant to just say "I'm letting this go" and have it just POOF dissapear, but
To just let all of it go doesn't (at least for me) happen all at once
It's like a slow drain out, like being bled. Every time you summit you get a little closer to "understanding"
Every time you come down from that summit, you are a little more confused
Every time you come down, you now are facing a deeper burden which you must choose to drop
If you ever want to get back to that summit again
A burden you have to just accept
A burden you have to embrace and love
You feel as weak as a newborn babe. Truly broken in this human world.
Broken to pieces, everything you know has been illusory
Especially in the pursuit of love, spirituality, joy, friendship, healing
HA HEALING. Bless all of the broken healers, I swear
If there was ever a deep pain in this existence it is to be sent here purposed and knowing you are a "healer"
Because you soon realize that in going out to seek to heal others,
You really are just shooting yourself in the foot, and doing the exact opposite of what is on your healer's path
Because it is unnecessary and impossible to heal in the way you have been lead to believe it is done
Everything you have known, you realize you have never known
Everything you have done in good intent, comes back to laugh at you
You realize you will never know the "right" way
Because the "right" way does not exist
And all the answers are in that, but all the human ego that makes that answer haunting
Can be devastating
Awakening to Truth and Love and the Higher Self...
If anyone tells you that is a carefree process
You should really never speak to them again
Joking! But, it has definitely not been carefree for me,
and I don't know a single soul who has experienced it without bumping into all the
crisis and paradox of having to live in this world and experience and feel
while realizing that this world as you know it has been just that and nothing more, an experience
All happening at one time, no history, no pasts, no reality, no you, no love, no war...there is just You.
And if you get that, it has, I guarantee not been an easy road to that realization
To separate from this being you think you are enough to see the bigger picture, while knowing you can't ever see it
Faith, real faith...not the motivational poster kind of Faith
To drop everything you identify with, to live a life that is empty of identity so that your life has Purpose
Faith
To drop all desires, everything your very human being begs for, in order to receive everything your True self knows it right for you
FAITH
The process is hard as *uck at times.
Seriously.
At least that's been my experience
But when you look at the process and you SEE
When you SEE in Truth, those few blissful moments you get
Like a little glimmer along that way, like a little cosmic pat on the back, like an ice cream sundae after passing the big test, all the while realizing the test is one you created and so is the reward HAHAHA!!!
Wow, those little moments make it all make absolute sense and then again
Those little moments make you realize that nothing makes sense nor does it need to
If you're following this so far, or if you're not, you are on your way
When I began learning what real Love is
My entire world was turned upside down
And I began learning the day I was born into this earth
BUT I became aware I was learning a few years ago
The moment I realized everything I knew was absolutely nothing
The moment I realized that this world was not the only...
AND I began realizing that all this time I wasn't learning
I began to realize that a few weeks ago
Because it cannot be learned!
It just requires so much shedding of the old self
So much shedding of old beliefs
Letting go of so much past pain
Which in actuality doesn't even exist.
It ISN'T REAL
But in learning to let go of all the things you knew as bad and painful to be just an illusion
you have to let go of all the things you learned as being good and pleasurable as just an illusion
I find I still have no idea what that state of being Truly means
Because there are things I still hold tightly to, that to let go of are...just hard
But I am ripping off the bandages and examining my wounds
Observing it and trying so hard, not to try anymore
To know
What Love, real Love really means
I am getting there, and the bliss I feel when I am shattered and broken
And on my knees, crying my damn eyes out, that I have no idea who I am or why I am here
THAT BLISS is one, that only those going through this "awakening"
Can understand.
Sometimes it is more funny and more blissful than others
Sometimes it is more frustrating and indifferent and uninspiring than other
Today I just feel it all like a deep ache
But I am writing this, for one, because I need to get it out on paper
So I can see it
And two as a reminder, to just keep going
And three as a reminder, that although it doesn't feel like it
I'm almost there
We're almost there.
If this all resonates with you and also doesn't, and you are looking for more clarity for your Self:
This is what got me to this point and although it is not magnificent by any means
It is on my path, and I hope that maybe it can help to illuminate the sameness that guides us all back Home.
Suggested reading: Eckhart Tolle-A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
You, Great One, tell me to communicate verbally, by the pen, through art, by the written word, so I trust You.
Create...but I AM already creation. I am the writer, and all the readers, and all those who do not understand and all who do. What more creation is there then that?
I listen.
Trying to channel the Word of the Divine into the written or spoken word is the most agonizingly beautiful experience to be had.
I stay open, I let Them fall out, through my fingers
It is a mess, even to me, so I know. Still I Know
No one understands what I am saying.
Meanwhile, everyone has deep knowledge of My meaning.
Does this mean they are not listening to the Meaning of The Word, but lost in the meaning of words.
Semantics are sabotage.
Ego's emotional emphasis through mind's madness and arrogance. So self-important are we. Are We?
We try too hard to understand and we never know the Meaning. We speak and all is lost.
And oh!!!
In agony I cry out!
These words are empty wanting of an understanding that exists already.
These words are empty wanting of a shared experience.
I need new words or none at all. Another demand for what I have already been given.
Then again, it doesn't matter either way. I am just a servant.
In any case, I have done My work as I was lead and today it is done.
Maybe the Work is in acceptance of this.
Maybe, as often is, the ache of my loneliness and futility is the purpose.
There is no reward.
I will continue.
So separated the self from the Self
Seeking fulfillment to alleviate the very emptiness
That creates the great I AM
The space in the center of the circle
Which gives it its form
We have filled it, and now it is empty
When we empty it again, we will be full
"Aha!" say the lovers and fools! "Then we are full again,
and we will love the emptiness
And so the emptiness will be love"
Fill it with love, it will be full...it will be "good"
And so the emptiness will then again be like a wound
Open and healing, but then confirming a sickness
- गुमनाम
A fool said: I am wise and action is everything! Another replied: I AM WISE and intention is everything!
Another replied: I AM WISE and belief is everything!
A wise man walked by, expressionless...but they saw him smiling. He was silent...but the three heard him say: "I am a fool. Everything is nothing."
The three felt such disharmony in this and the Fourth...he felt all and then he felt indifferent. He was pure being, for he knew wholly his Great insignificance.
